Fear will keep us all in place

Today was quite possibly one of the best and worst days of my life. After school today I got to hang out with this boy and we kissed for the first time, and it was beautiful. Our lips were always perfectly in sync with each other and everytime we kissed I could feel myself smiling. He’s so cute and when we were sitting in his living room, I sat on his lap in his chair and he held my hand and played with my fingers and my hair and kissed me the whole time, I was so fucking happy. Around 7 though I get a call from my mom telling me to come home and I told her I didn’t want to so I knew I was going to get in trouble, but honestly at this point, I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. I get home at like 8:30 and when I walk in the door my mom immediately starts to yell at me and tell mw that she found my bowl and weed and that she wants me to leave and never come back, that i’m a complete dissapointment, and that she’s tired of dealing with me. My dad tells me to stay and that I should wait to talk to her until everything cools down, he’s not mad at me, he understands, he’s just extremely dissapointed and I wish there was something I could do to change that. Because of all this happening i’m going to stop smoking weed for a really long time. I don’t know if I ever really want to do it again. I need to get ahold of my life, do my fucking homework so I won’t be failing like 3 of my classes, and really find out what the important things are in my life. My friends mean everything to me and i’m so happy each one of them are in my life. Every single one of them has a little place in my heart, and I don’t know what I would do without them. A lot of things have been happening lately that just don’t seem right either. Everything is changing and I don’t like where it’s taking me.  

Sometimes I feel like none of my friends really like me or care about me.

I keep on running, keep on running and nothing works, I can’t get away from you….

Everytime I have something good going for me, especially with a guy, I tend to fuck it up. Every single time, it’s like I subconsciously won’t allow myself to be happy. & Today I realized how much I really fucked things up with you. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I realize how much I wish I could go back and do things completely different. I wish I wouldn’t haven gotten scared about having someone actually like me and want to be with me, I wish I was still with you to this day, because i’m sure we would be. All the times we had together were beautiful, and I wish they never would have ended. You’re an amazing person, but you’re so broken. You’re broken just like I am. I figured that we could take all the pieces of each other and try to make something whole, something complete. I don’t know what to do about it now, because I messed everythig up a long time ago. I just want you to know how I feel, that’s it. Even if you don’t feel the same way, at least you’ll finally know how i’ve felt since Summer, since everything ended. It’s never too late to make things right.

… I keep on ducking, keep on ducking and nothing helps. I can’t stop missing you.