Fear will keep us all in place

Do you ever look back at people and think “Why did I ever like them?” Wellll sometimes I wonder “Did I ever even like you to begin with?” I’m not gonna lie i’ve liked sooooo many people but the more and more I think about it….. I realize I never liked them at all, I just liked the attention I got from them. I have never truly ever liked a guy. There has never been a guy who was everything to me, who I couldn’t go a day without thinking about, who I wanted to spend every moment with, who I told everything to, who I loved. Tons of guys have given me butterflies, made me feel goood, made me happy, made me feel things I never felt before, but no one was extremely important to me. There are a few guys right now that i’m talking to but I don’t like any of them, I feel like such a bitch for saying that but it’s true… I don’t. I honestly just love the attention I get from them and the fact that they like me, I mean who doesn’t like to be liked? Well now I don’t know what to do, I just want to mee that person that hits me like a fucking wave and crashes down on me and completely changes my entire life. That person that makes me rethink everything that I do, that makes me feel so in love that I don’t even know how to function without them, someone that I neeed so bad, and want to be with even more. I want someone who when we have sex, it’s not just fucking, it’s actually making love. That when we’re with each other in that moment, when we’re literally one person, I feel soo much passion that it takes over my entire body. I want that. I want that. I want that…. but the problem is that I look for it too much, I just need to wait for it to find me, but that’s so fucking hard to do.

I fucking loveeeeeeeeeeee Dubstep music. Rusko, Caspa, Bassnectar, Datsik, Borgore….. they all fucking rock. When the bass drops, I can actually feel it in my body, my heart feels it. Fuck. I. Love. Dubstep.

I woke up and had never felt more sad in my entire life. All these texts and dissapointment, I don’t even know what to do with my life right now. I can’t function, I don’t know how to.

Hey hey hey hey heeeey smoke weed errrrrday.

Right now my body feels so. damn. good. I feel happier than I have ever felt in my entire lifeeee, i’m with one of my best friends, Krista, and we’re about to go get some food with another friend, Zaza. Every emotion I could possibly feel is being felt right now. They’re all so intensified and I can feel each one of them throughout my entire body. There’s this boy who has caught my attention as welll, just thinking about him makes me feel happy tooo. Every time I get a text from him I read it and just smileee because i’ve never been so happy. He makes me smile, for absolutely no reason. I can’t wait to see him later on today. & After that I might hang out with my friend Inessa, sooo excited. Ahhh life’s good. 

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am… and if it makes you less sad we’ll start talking again, and you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I’ll grow old and start acting my age. I’ll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold, a heart that’s harder than stone, and it hurts a whole lot, but it’s missed when it’s gone.

Call me a safe bet… i’m betting I’m not. I’m glad you that can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget. If it makes you less sad, i’ll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself, i’ll keep out of your way, and if it makes you less sad, i’ll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It’s as cold as a tomb, and it’s dark in your room…. when I sneak to your bed, to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits, or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution… you just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet… i’m betting I’m not. I’m glad that you can forgive, i’m only hoping as time goes you can forget, so you can forget… you can forget.

You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold. Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin standing trial for your sins holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before the rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet… i’m betting I’m not. I’m glad that you can forgive, i’m only hoping as time goes….. you can forget.

“The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot” by Brand New.

I like you, a lot. You’re new and exciting. I don’t know you that well, but this feeling you give me….. excites me and makes me happy. Lately i’ve felt like shit all the time, but you…. you make me forget about all the shitty parts of my past. I like that, and I like you. I feel like a 4 year old girl on Christmas morning when i’m around you. You make me so nervous, antsy, and anxious. When we kiss, I can literally feel sparks on my lips and tongue because of you, it’s like I never want that moment to end. & Ahhh you’re so hot, mwahahah (;